Death and Divorce

Death- the act of dying;the end of life; the total and permanent cessation of all the vital functions of an organism

Divorce- a judicial declaration dissolving a marriage in whole or inpart, esp. one that releases the husband and wife from all matrimonial obligations.

A recent conversation brought up these two topics. I was trying to justify my new lifestyle to someone and I simply put it "Death and Divorce changed me". I am writing this blog as I am feeling a bit judged. I think those that have known me for more than 2 years, know what I am talking about. First, I am not the same person that I was just 2 short years ago, that's a good thing. If you have read my previous blogs or know me, you are aware of how hard I have worked on improving myself, my outlook on life and my overall being. With that said, I often feel that people who know me, judge me, maybe not directly but just by the little comments they make. I for one know that as soon as I feel judged, my wall starts going up, quickly. I think we all do it whether it's consciously or not. Of course, it got me thinking... About? Well, it got me thinking about the meaning of death and divorce. They are two extreme situations, yet they have so much in common. Seems that my number was up and I had to endure them back to back, unfortunately. I've learned about the grieving process and what that looks like even before I knew what the word meant. I say whoever came up with that is a genius! It definitely is a process and one that no matter what, we all must go through. For those who are curious, I will always be a mother. In no way have I (or will) ever neglect my kids. Yes, I do realize that for most of my married life, the focus was on our kids and I was a homebody. Maybe a bit obsessive about it too, but like they say, hindsight is 20/20. At this point in my life, I've realized that more isn't better or at least at the expense of my self being. I had to learn the hard way that the only way that I could care about anyone, I first had to care and love myself first. Out with the old Kika and in with the new. I still have a big heart for helping others; that hasn't changed, but I have become more selfish. On the weekends that my kids are with their dad, yes I do enjoy myself in the company of friends or simply by myself, something I have NEVER done before. I will never forget about my responsibilities because I was not built that way, even if I tried. I don't party as much as people assume; I just have a good time no matter what I am doing. I always have a smile for those around me and even for complete strangers which sometimes has people thinking that I am flirting (well maybe, lol).

So the organism of my marriage ceased to exist and the end of a bright life ended, but my life has just begun as if I was re-born again. Don't judge me, please; instead, accept me for who I have become, embrace the beauty flowing from me, and know that even though I have changed, I still have the same values that my parents instilled in me.

If you have never lost a loved one or lost the one that you love, it's hard to understand. I sit here with no regrets, each year spent married was well worth it. Almost 20 years of a marriage though it was never perfect, was filled with mutual love for one another and most importantly, we respected each other. The end result is a friendship that is beautiful beyond what any divorced couple could hope for.

I will continue to live my life, adjust it as I see best and in hopes that one day, I will be able to receive a new love in my life. For now, I will continue to seek God as I have found it is the only way I will survive.

"From this slumber she shall wake, when true love's kiss the spell shall break."